i've stopped sharing personally on my blog(s) for some time now, but i currently feel the need to organize my thoughts and put this out there. in my mind, i usually have a blog post queue of things i've been thinking about for a while, and i think i just really need to clear this out of my head. here goes.
i woke up this morning feeling restless, unfocused, and distracted. i usually rest pretty hard after staffing retreats and conferences, but because of a combination of procrastination, busyness, and bad planning, i had to get back to work to finish a few things for a track revision that's due today. even though i hate turning in things late (sigh, and yet, i had such a bad track record with this in college), i'm going to e-mail our team leader and let him know that i would really just like an extra day to work and to spend this day resting.
anyway, after waking up i tried checking my e-mail, but my outlook wasn't working, so i decided to take a walk. my walk turned into an hour-long tromp through a nearby metropark -- i still felt pretty unfocused, but was trying to have some time to pray and think. i returned home, packed up my things, and started my drive out to a coffeeshop near legacy village. as i started driving, i found myself not wanting to stop, desiring to continue being alone with my thoughts. this actually happened yesterday too, when i drove to the west side of cleveland to the tremont area. i got on carnegie and just kept driving. today, i was on fairmount heading east, and i just kept going and going out past the lyndhurst area, mayfield, and chesterland. i think i ended up at about 25 miles east of cleveland before deciding to turn around. while i was driving, i found myself being frustrated at 2 things in particular, which i'm not sharing online. you can definitely ask me about them in person. they're personal -- but as an fyi, it's not about any one person/group of people, and it's not about any particular conflict... just two frustrations that are currently playing out in my life.
i realized that i was feeling some of the same feelings that i had when i was coming back from ann arbor this past january. it's this weird, gneading feeling in my chest -- the type of feeling that you would feel if you were watching a sad movie. that, or the feeling that you get when you really overwhelmed with love for something/one. i've been trying to decipher for the past two weeks why i'm reacting this way.
my first year in cleveland, i had this weird tension of missing ann arbor intensely while also desiring to distance myself emotionally. i definitely enjoyed going back for staff training and seeing old friends, but i was pretty confident that God was calling/leading me to stay in cleveland.
this year has been really weird. the two times that i've gone to ann arbor for staff training, it's been really freaking hard to leave (physically). for october, i had been having a difficult month, so i decided during the last hour of training to stay for the next four days in ann arbor/detroit are for a silent retreat, prayer, and time with the Lord. so i cancelled the few meetings that i had and stayed with the ever-gracious costello family in downtown detroit close to wayne state. it was really wonderful - i bought my first moleskine, spent the days walking around detroit going to the library and museum (not realizing that the museum wasn't free.. oops), and spending the evenings eating delicious homecooked meals with amy's parents in their beautiful, renovated 115 year old home. haha. that was october.
two weeks ago, i returned for staff training, but again, was planning to return right after the training ended & after meeting with one of my pastors from my church in ann arbor. again - great time of being with other staff, had a pretty healing experience sharing my testimony about my ethnic journey, and enjoyed driving around in kerrytown to find zingerman's for my meeting. p. bob is the current university & missions pastor at
knox pres, an
EPC church that i attended for 3 years. we hadn't met to talk for a year and half, so it was great to finally catch an hour with him. i can't really express how refreshing it felt to have fellowship again with someone who had a pretty significant impact on my walk with and understanding of God (through adult ce classes at knox, chatting over coffee about more personal spiritual things, co-teaching with t. trevethan on campus about theology/doctrine, etc.) temperamentally, we also have similar traits -- high intuitive, medium introversion. plus, i think it's always nice to talk with someone where you don't necessarily have to always explain yourself, and where you share a level of shared assumption/worldview. our conversation was basically like.. missions! yay. the university. yay. cities, yay. feeling tired but excited over minitry... yeah. dealing with the issues in ministry to asian americans is sad, hard, but needed... agreement. his tri-monthly travels to istanbul, turkey? awesome. i also appreciate how naturally he talks about the Lord in his life. it's just woven into the fabric of his life. so natural.
then of course, we talked about the painful things... memories and experiences that i've basically left behind in ann arbor. i agreed with him -- we definitely should have talked about it back then. since coming on staff, i haven't cried in front of rick or anna, my supervisors / mentors. actually, i don't think i ever cried in front of jeff & lisa (my staff workers). but, for some reason, i was just overwhelmed that i had to work hard to hold it back. i had to take a deep breath.... i find crying to be an embarrassing thing, but i think was ok because i felt there was a shared sadness there. anyway, our meeting was really healing and joyful for 3 reasons: 1) he was exhorting me to remember the Gospel, and to desire to see it lived out in this particular area of pain. 2) he encouraged me to jump in, get my hands dirty, and be boldly speaking truth in the current ministry that the Lord has given to me. he has been instrumental in this very way (getting his hands dirty) by dealing with a lot of sin and mess with my college fellowship through offering his discipleship. this is the 2nd person to have told me to get my hands dirty, which i'm finding to be such a necessary risk in ministry. and 3) he encouraged me to have fun with it -- to have joy in this season of my life, and to pretty much feel free. ahh. i won't take those 3 things lightly.
after our meeting, i started driving back to cleveland, and i pretty much cried on the way home to cleveland. the way home from ann arbor to the toledo area should have only taken 45 minutes, but it took me 6 hours. it was actually good to be alone for 6 hours, basically grieving over the fact that i won't be in ann arbor for a very long time. also mixed in with grief was a strong sense of joy; i'm not sure how that works out, but i'm pretty sure that's what it was. i was missing my life in ann arbor -- not necessarily the university itself, and not even the place as a whole, even the people. i don't easily become sentimental over these things. but, i was sort of dealing with the concept that i was leaving a spiritually significant place. i knew i would probably never staff in michigan, or even live there again, but was wrestling with that fact that heading east to cleveland was definitely the right direction. i continued to be delayed as the roads iced over, and i ended up pulling over to stop overnight at a hotel near fremont OH. i actually have a funny story about getting to the hotel, and the hotel itself was sorta creepy... but that's for another day.
and agh - i still get frustrated thinking about how the drive back was just so long, tortuous, and painful. i was literally inching back to cleveland... at one point, i had moved 0.5 miles in 2 hours. it was like this completely ironic, sadly symbolic depiction of me having to leave ann arbor. i think the Lord was definitely using that time though -- he redeemed it for me two weeks ago as well as the last time i left in october. so from all of this, i've come to two conclusions: 1) i have unfinished business that i need to take care of, and will continue to talk with p. bob about this. 2) i feel strongly that i need to be in cleveland, and that this is in God's redemptive plan in my life. not to get all spiritual or anything, but through this all i was reminded of how exciting life is when life is lived for the kingdom. i think i had been losing sight of that.
so blagh. there it all is, and i'm feeling a little better. the 2 frustrations are still hanging over my head a little, but i think organizing my thoughts here has been helpful. i'm pretty sure of my next steps too. (rick would be proud... he indirectly taught me how to make good, practical next steps.) i just wanted to end by saying that i'm really excited about the work God is doing in the people around me (koinonia, my community & roommate :D ), and i'm hopeful that He has something crazy good for me in my own life.
i'm still not done with all these thoughts yet - still feel restless, and hungry and tired, but not really hungry and tired enough to eat or sleep a lot, which is really, really weird and unusual. however, i'm definitely done with posting for now.
