success!

good news: i finally found a pair of shorts that fit well in all aspects! (no pun intended) bad news: it's from abercrombie & fitch. (i'm not a fan. freshman year of high school, my friends and i created a site 'can asians model?' because 100% of a&f faces were/are anglo. two years later, i boycotted after the asian shirt fiasco. three years later, i wrote an econ paper scrutinizing its evolution. it was entitled 'a&f: from safari to sorority'.) i have to admit, the company does produce durable, high quality clothing, and though i have tried to avoid it with all my might, their pants really do fit my body type the best. h&m is too boxy, j.crew too long and skinny, express too curvy, __ too expensive, etc.

shopping for jeans is one of my most frustrating moments. with only a handful of major brands and stores available in the midwest (or pseudo-midwest--rochester), i just can't see how cut-out, carbon-copy jeans can fit the millions of body types out there. i think after a few years of trial and error, i've finally locked down the look, style, shape that fits me best for my age -- with the exception of jeans.

but anyway, for today, victory is mine!

hard things

as i hear from friends who are embarking on some of the hardest years they'll ever have, i too am starting some of the hardest years of my life. (and rewarding, and joyful. and 'embarking' sounds cheesy to me.) campus ministry will require "labor prompted by love" and "work produced by faith". now that i am almost officially on staff, i am at a place where i wake up every morning and ask myself what i am doing. this is generally a good question to ask, but it is particularly significant for me as i wake up every morning and prepare to ask people for money. it's not that crude, really -- it's fund development, and it's a beautiful thing. i enjoy it because i love sharing the vision for the ministry ahead, and because i experience joy when my partners catch that vision. but as you can imagine, doing this--especially in an asian context--can be quite difficult to navigate.

now that i am many weeks into fund development, i can't imagine staff life without it. it has helped me go back to his word every time i feel afraid and nervous. it has embolded me to really understand and know people (including my own parents) in a very new way. it's like i suddenly get to know people's hearts, their passions, and their deepest thoughts. these people have been between 10-30 years my elder.

it has also helped me to realize and cope with differences among people in the church. before last week, i had shared my case statement with many 2nd generation asian american 20-30 somethings. then, i spent much of last week paralyzed by the mistakes that i made with asian 1st gens. i did the uncouth -- i called without warning and asked them to partner with me in this ministry. though this is effective with caucasian folks (and some 2nd generation peers, and 1st generation folks who have a heart for missions), it is most certainly a presumptuous move for a young woman like me. getting a "no" is understandable; what's worse is getting chastised. at this point, i'm trying to humbly accept my mistake and not try to make it worse. from that, i've learned much more about asian culture this summer.

i think it's because i've spent so much energy trying to remove myself from the asian cultural context -- so far removed that i have no idea how to navigate these relationships. though folks from my hometown can work both asian and american cultures, there is no avoiding the asian standard of indirect communication and humble deference. i've had to ask several friends about asian fund development, and i've even partnered with my parents to help advocate on my behalf.

so these past few weeks have been filled with deeper relationships and shared joy. i feel as if i have matured well-past the undergraduate version of me. (if that makes any sense.) i do have to keep asking myself what i'm doing every morning because that's how i will manage to have "endurance inspired by hope". otherwise, i'll become cantankerous, impatient, and i'll probably find myself lost, without a vision.

whimsy

Heaven

Heaven is
The place where
Happiness is
Everywhere.

Animals
And birds sing --
as does
Everything.

To each stone
"How-do-you-do?"
Stone answers back,
"Well! And you?"

-Langston Hughes

beautiful excerpt

paul, one who repeatedly argued his case for Christ, experienced this after giving his farewell to the ephesian elders--

When he had said this, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him. What grieved them most was his statement that they would never see his face again. Then they accompanied him to the ship.

Acts 20:36-38

what makes this beautiful is the dearness of his heart for God's people, and subsequently, so is their response to his hard work for the gospel.

1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. 2 Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. 3 And they were calling to one another:

"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."

4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."

6 Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. 7 With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."

8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Isaiah 6:1-8

LORD, I come before you with fear and trembling, for I am a sinner and unworthy of your blessing and grace. The world is your footstool and You are sovereign over all. Under your Word, the righteous prevail. When we encounter your blessing, we can only fall on our knees and give you glory. You are faithful, and great are You, LORD of the universe. Whatever the LORD does, He does it bigger and better than me.