10 things i'm thankful for at this very moment

week-long edition :)

10) spending time and sharing meals with parents, like the guos and the kuos. mr. kuo is hilarious! i'm very impressed that julia and theresa can joke around in mandarin.
9) appreciating some of the quirks of taiwanese aunties at phyl's bridal shower. still intimidating, but also fun. ny.
8) celebrating stephanie's birthday 3x, including all day thursday! happy birthday stephanie!
7) intimate and missional community at the house church i've been attending
6) psalm 107 - just beautiful
5) browsing sara's books & borrowing 2 of them :)
4) seeing phyl (from CA) and louann (from TX) and sara (in ann arbor)
3) moving bo-young's things across the street. it was a lot of fun to hang out w/ bo & some of the k guys.
2) balmy cleveland weather
1) having enough food to eat

WITNESS!

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Originally uploaded by enufjames

car on euclid

by enufjames

Notes

• I love Cedar Campus. It's this place of respite & renewal for me. I had a great time with Koinonia at CFW this past year! I staffed leadership track for the first time by myself, and I am so in awe at the way God was so clear about vision & direction for us. These are exciting times!
• It's taking a few days for me to fully recover - sleepwise and spiritually. Alice was telling me about how Marc says the first 36 hours after CFW (or any retreat or conference) is when we should be praying for each other the most. Right now, I don't feel like doing very much.
• Steph & I have been trying to clean our entire apt for the last 2 days. We have almost been successful.
• I have this weird, surreal feeling that CFW is a distant memory - but it was very real, and what God did there was real. I think that I'm just getting my days mixed up - it feels like this past Saturday & Sunday were a distant memory.
  
• This past Sunday, the seniors graduated from college. Crazy.
• The Class of 2013 is coming to case this August. 2013!! I graduated as the Class of 2007.

church, pt. 1

i grew up in a non-denominational chinese church with baptist leanings in upstate ny. we had an english service in the early morning (~100 people) and a chinese service in the late morning (~200). our church congregation had 1st generation taiwanese people, 1st generation waisenren, 1st generation mainland chinese, 1st generation cantonese-speaking chinese from hong kong, 2nd generation taiwanese americans, 2nd generation chinese americans, and the occasional sprinkling of white americans and black americans.

i attended this church ever since i was a child. some of my most significant times spent in this church was with our youth group. we had an interesting mix of yg leaders for sunday school. they came from various backgrounds and prepared scripture studies weekly while working full-time jobs. while our parents met in the chinese service, i learned about the five points of calvinism in one season, and in the next, watched the movie versions of the left behind series. we studied through books of the bible instead of using topical formats. (props to my yg leaders!) i remember our study of galatians as being quite significant. there, i was also introduced to different worldviews (naturalism, etc), but i really didn't know what was going on.

we had 4 yg leaders rotate for teaching. (3 of them are umich alum, i might add!) they did a terrific job with us youth, us troublemakers. i think i really received the foundations of my faith there. it's also where i first came to Christ and became cognitively aware of the doctrines of the cross and justification. in 9th grade, i was asked to consider serving on our leadership team, then called the Servants Team. i accepted, and i went along with our seniors to ropes courses and servants team meetings at dave's (yg leader) house. i think i still had some cognitive dissonance at this point -- i understood the basic doctrines, but wasn't necessarily fully submitting my life to christ. the first way that this came out was through messy relationships with boys. the second was that i was a closet christian in many ways.

one way that i grew significantly while at my home church was through missions trips to major urban centers. actually, rochester wouldn't count. but i participated in week-long trips to toronto, philadelphia, and DC. during these weeks, i fell in love with God's mission in reclaiming his people... not to mention, exposure to the needs of the urban poor. i am grateful that my yg leaders were bold in bringing a group of chinese american teenagers to these cities, and in many ways, living out their commitment to the city. what a privilege to be exposed to these issues as a young person.

but, i also had some issues. growing up in a chinese church meant that there was some cultural embeddedness and entrapment. competing parents, passive-aggressive children, rebellious teenagers, ethnically unaware 2nd generation chinese americans, honor/shamed-based "100% culture", etc. in a lot of ways, cultural values were set above the values of the kingdom, and so i became slightly disillusioned with the chinese church. i definitely recognized this and didn't want to settle for more cultural entrapment when i went to college.

i have since become reconciled with my home church on this issue. there are still parents that pit their children against one another, or gossip during the sunday school hour, or use the church community primarily as a social community... but there are truly people there who love Jesus and love God's mission to the world.

my home church is one of the biggest financial and prayer supporters of my ministry. they are in love with God and are a missional church. through the former & current senior pastor's leadership, they have been reaching out to the marginalized chinese people in the rochester area... including restaurant workers who have to work on sundays. they've begun to engage the chinese community in the area by participating in festivals.

they also work hard to reconcile the chinese diaspora. the board has 2nd generation taiwanese americans, 1st gen mandarin speakers from taiwan, 1st gen mandarin speakers from mainland china, 1st gen cantonese speakers, and a red-haired pastor who is a messianic jew. i know that this is a particularly difficult set up for church leadership, but am glad that they are working hard to bridge the chinese-english speaking divide, the generational gap, and the cultural gap (mainland-taiwan-hong kong). i am thankful for their example.

...church, pt 1.

new york, pt. 2

i guess i should comment on the last two days of my trip to new york city. it's now been two months, but for the sake of closure / completion, i'll try my best to follow through on "part 2" (i almost never do.)
people and places --

new song community church (harlem)
i went to church sarah on sunday morning. her church is just a few blocks away from the neighborhood. first, we headed over to her pastor's harlem brownstone to have breakfast with the youth group, which they have once a month. sarah led the yg kids in an inductive study of psalm 1, and talked a little bit on what it meant to have personal time in God's word. i got a chance to meet some of the college students who were involved in serving there.. they were also involved with IV at city college, so it was a good time getting to know them a little bit more.

new song was a good mix of young professionals of different ethnicities, as well as people who have been living in harlem for years and years. most everyone from her church are people from the neighborhood, which means that there are great opportunities for strong community. i love the commitment the church members show to renewing the neighborhood through the gospel. this has definitely prompted much thought about what it means to be a part of a local church, and i am coming more and more to the idea that churches should be based by neighborhood/location -- especially in a gradually more post-christian world. there's something about driving long distances to attend a megachurch that doesn't sit right with me. (ok, more thoughts on church for another day.)

last note: new song has a community development corporation.

late lunch in the upper west side
sarah and i walked through morningside park to have lunch at deluxe, which is near columbia. we were joined by my good friend sheau-yan and my brother. we had a really enjoyable conversation, ranging from personal updates, to personal opinions, to just funny conversation about current events. late lunch was pretty good too. there was a moment when a homeless woman came up to our outside seating and asked for food -- and there we were, ready to eat our huge plate of eggs benedict and home fries. sarah was both gracious and firm to say sorry.

redeemer presbyterian church
i went to church twice on sunday! (how spiritual.) i met up with my friend ivan, whom i haven't seen in a year, year and a half? we headed up from the nyu area to the main campus where tim keller preached for the 6pm service.

tim keller is a leading evangelical, and his exposition is excellent. well-tempered and steady. i think that he is well-balanced in application of the word -- preaches both the centrality of the cross to the gospel ("the true gospel" as they call it nowadays) along with kingdom theology. he spoke on romans 3 & on justification, and called out the many ways we try to justify ourselves without Jesus. he called out parents, especially, for trying to justify themselves through their children. however, there is only one way to be truly justified -- and that is through christ on the cross. he made an interesting point about how 'forgiveness' is for the negatives -- for sin, etc etc. whereas justification is a positive -- we are now raised to righteousness. sorry tim keller for butchering the summary of your sermon.

redeemer is a huge church. it's hard to get plugged into the community, and my friend has had a hard time getting connected with their small group ministries. the teaching is terrific, though. i think there is a trade-off, though. i think it would be easy to passively attend service.

korean fried chicken with ivan
hung around the nyu area, where ivan had a meeting with a casting director. i got to visit nyu & his writing studios... and there, one of the writing teachers even mistook me for a film student. people like spike lee walk around in there! crazy.

we went to each korean fried chicken, which was really delicious. we didn't go to bonchon, but to the 2nd best place. (seemed to be a trend the entire weekend.) it was really great to catch up with ivan, and just to see how we have both grown and matured.

monday rest
i slept in on monday and hung around sarah's apartment, where i journaled and had a mini-retreat. great to spend time with the Lord and reflect. i made some lists:

• what i've liked about my trip to ny/nyc:
• what has been strange
• what i continue to struggle with
• what i've been thinking about
• next steps

i was surprised at some of what came out as i journaled. themes of acceptance and contentment came out, and it was especially challenging to be in a really attractive place like nyc while still remembering my calling in cleveland. at that point, i was still brought to realize more and more my own sin & selfishness, and my desire to move beyond that.

ktown with sam
in the afternoon, my (former) staff friend sam picked me up and we hung out in the midtown/ktown area. i got the essentials -- red mango, coffee, etc. delicious. i think all of the great lakes region people can say that staff got a lot less funny when he left.

yoga/cooking with sarah
went to yoga in the community development center at sarah's church. it's a part of their neighborhood outreach, i think. had a great time working some of my muscles and stretching. we got to spend some time cooking a delicious swiss chard/tofu stir fry, catch up, and talk honestly. i really treasured that time. she has been a great friend and accountability partner. i was glad to wind down my trip to nyc with her!

megabus at 6:45am
woke up early the next morning to take the 123 down to union station. headed to rochester, where my dad picked me up. i spent a few days at home, and even saw my brother when he returned from nyc for spring break. we definitely had some great conversations and laughs too... he kills me every time.

ah, my family. i do miss them.

so -- that's the end. i think that i have a lot more to say about nyc -- less about what i did, and more about the feelings that arose while i was there. more to do with acceptance and contentment, loving the city, funny stories, that sort of thing.

i do have to share this one funny story though -- i think this was what made me think that i would have really enjoyed going to school at columbia. i was sitting on the steps of the rotunda/library waiting for my brother to come meet me. this cool-looking guy was sitting there, pretty laid back, chillin on the steps, when suddenly, he saw somebody from afar and yelled "CAWW!!!!!!"

...3 seconds later, i heard in the distance "CAWWWW!!!!!!" him and his friend -- they were calling to each other as if they were birds!! hilarious. i enjoyed that moment.

sigh.

new york, part I

i loved going to visit new york. i was definitely tired when i left, but it was a good tired after spending concentrated time with people i haven't seen in over 1-2 years. what i really liked was that i saw significant people from important/formative times in my life -- particularly in high school and college. many of them even met each other at various points in the weekend... and since i like connecting people/things/ideas, i really just relished in that.

people & places --

upper west side:
after arriving at LGA and hopping on the M60 (sigh, love public transportation), my first stop in ny was to go see my brother brian at columbia. (he recently just got an offer with accenture for his summer internship. congrats!) he took time off from studying for midterms to meet up with me on friday. he's a terrific person -- well-liked, well-informed, and yet still a lot of fun. i laugh so much when i'm with him, so i really appreciate any time i can spend with him. we can also talk on theoretical/conceptual levels when it comes to current events and issues, which i greatly love. i think we are myers-briggs complements -- INTP and ENTJ.

lower east side:

• we tried going to ippudo for japanese ramen, but the wait was too long, so we headed to momofuku, the less-tasty-but-better-known ramen shop with significantly less asian people. (doh.) the secret to success is all in the broth.
  
• chikalicious for dessert - carrot cake with cream cheese icing and bread pudding
  
• rockwood music hall to hear elizabeth and the catapult. my brother and i got packed into this tiny venue to hear a fun handful of brooklyn hipsters sing. they were so good! julia is also doing their album cover with verve records. (congrats!) apparently, my hs friend steve has performed at rockwood a few times too.

next stop, harlem:
sticking around in the upper west side area to stay with my good friend sarah for the next few days. we were college roommates my senior year at umich. i appreciate her willingness to be vulnerable, her gregarious nature (she talks frequently in french with the west africans in the area), and her strength and will. it was nice to stay with her and see many familiar sights around the apartment, including shuffled papers and stacks of books. she is the type of person i will go to when i need to process and have someone tell me hard truths -- or just to ruminate on western society, gender and race, Jesus, and how to genuinely put into practice our faith and love for others.

on saturday morning, i headed back over to the columbia area to hang around with my good friend sheau-yan. (don't forget the hyphen.) she's the one that i coined the phrase "productive nothing" with, harking back to the in-between high school and college days when we would just sort of hang around in her room. i've visited her before in the upper west side, so it was nice to be in a familiar setting. she has a great apartment, and the neighborhood is so quiet. it's wonderful.

with sheau-yan, i enjoy taking a thought as far as it can go -- we like to stretch our imaginations. they often end in funny scenarios, to which we both share a good laugh. i seriously love to laugh with her. one thing i appreciated about our time together was seeing how we've both grown since we started talking to each other in middle school -- each of us making more mature decisions when it comes to life, family, and friends. yet, we still retain our same old antics. :)

chinatown / financial district:
sheau-yan and i headed down to chinatown to meet up with another friend from our high school years: eric, along with his girlfriend pam. again, same old antics. the man is unstoppably obnoxious. :P lots of fun banter. he is also meticulously organized -- something that i never knew about him. he led us around the financial district using his 4-page itinerary.

• golden unicorn for dimsum (not the one owned by the mafia, nor is it the one with horrible labor practices). it was really, really tasty. and cheap.
  
• kaffe for coffee... and sheep rocking chairs from norway?
  
• christopher norman chocolates, as seen on bourdain. though the store was closed, christopher let us in and let us try $20 worth of sample chocolates! we got some champagne pyramids for the road
  
• NYSE, fed, etc - we wanted to take a picture and post it on FML. or fail blog

brooklyn:

• epic journey across the brooklyn bridge
  
• grimaldi's for pizza -- again, tasty and cheap and worth the hour-long wait

greenwich village:

• the half pint with sheau-yan, joined by sarah, to see my friend phil from high school. i met some of his friends from the film scoring program he's in at nyu.
  
• late night chili cheese fries down the streetch
  
• the half pint again, to see old friend chris and his sister katie

this is incredibly long and possibly uninteresting. it's nice to have this down in a "journal" thought. new york, part II soon.

people who have been displaced or had significant cross-cultural experiences
know the pinch of cross-cultural conflict (or potential conflict.)

"Conflict arises not only from personal and cultural differences but also from
the fact that people often attribute moral force to their priorities for personal behavior and judge those who differ from them as flawed, rebellious, or immoral. Personal judgments, and society, coerces individuals to follow its value system. Our goal is to help readers arrive at solutions to these conflicts and to suggest ways in which
people moving within and across social and cultural boundaries can adapt to and draw on values different from their own.

A central thesis [of this book] is that the Bible speaks to all people and all cultures and that Jesus Chris is the only faithful example of divine love in interpersonal relationships and communication. Jesus is
God with us--the reality of the love of God in human experiences..."
(Lingenfelter - Ministering Cross Culturally)

living stones and ministering across cultures (MAC) is this weekend. i'm looking forward to it; God, would you break strongholds of blindness, ignorance, racism, prejudice, ethnocentrism, pride, self-hate, shame, and guilt. Lord, bring insight, freedom, patience, love, faith, hope, confidence, healing, restoration, and vision.

things to look forward to this weekend:
- stephanie's trunk full of asian snacks and 7-hour long playlist of kpop, jpop, jay chou, and other music
- oberlin worship team
- jennifer ikoma-motzko, fred bailey, marc davidson
- 200 students: 27 black students, 36 asian american, 100 white students
- dance party
- jen guo's testimony :)

sigh. there is still time to register and just show up...

10 things i'm thankful for at this very moment

10) future conversations with p. joe, p. bob, and kathy k later today - ah, to be poured into.

9) full funding (and then some) for the stuart mcallister event. this is why i love funding! ...sort of.

8) really clear, direct, honest conversation - this leads to freedom; thank you

7) 5 points to stephanie for being a good roommate and friend - urging me onto speaking the truth in love;

6) going to koko bakery and the asian grocery (park to shop!) with steph and anna

5) little old ladies at the asian grocery who humble us / serve us by taking our boxes of groceries to our car for us

4) seeing koinonians yesterday while walking down the street, hanging around the dorm, randomly visiting suites, all that. (rather than set meetings.) the more i think about it, that's how i operate and show love/friendship.

3) the church -- been thinking a lot about this, and i need to post the ridiculous amounts of thoughts i have on this soon

2) the future chipotle that i'm going to have today. gotta give thanks for my food!!

1) having productive days, while having enough energy to complete everything despite a self-absorbed sabbath. that's grace man.

self-reflection

i think one of my weaknesses ("areas of growth") is that i all too often hang in the world of the theoretical. i can take an idea and stretch it to the limit, and i can to a certain extent crystallize thoughts into action, but when it comes to the nitty gritty what-are-you-going-to-do about-it-type actions, i tend to have more trouble helping people think through those things. i think it's because i assume that people think like me ("oh, you understand the idea -- now go and instinctively run with it"), and i need to step outside of that and take a risk to ask "what are you going to do about it?"

10 things i'm thankful for at this very moment

10) the leadership selection process. i've greatly enjoyed it since coming here to case. what a blessing to hear firsthand how God is working in koinonia... i'm excited.

9) theresa packing a snack for me when i'm running out the door -- thanks for the grapes!

8) a wonderful, laughter-filled valentine's day with theresa, julia, and ed at vine & bean. so delicious. 

7) my church (srbc) -- their vision for missions is to increase their giving to overseas / national missions by 10% every year. (did i get that right, steph?) that is so respectable. 

6) finding jeff's cd mix of gospel music from 3 years ago when he was introducing gospel music to worship services at knox. 

5) more hot pot & hot pot leftovers, and big thing of kimchi. and big taro.

4) p. bob - so thankful

3) my mom coming back from taiwan safely

2) lunch after srbc with post-college crowd. i'll miss a lot of these people when they inevitably move away from cleveland.

1) good meetings, meals, and conference lined up for this week/weekend.

on the "who is josh" viral campaign at case

...part of me hopes that on march 2, we will experience a riot of Ephesian proportions. 

10 things i'm thankful for at this very moment

10) electropop (like this)

9) talking with stephanie to take initiative and act on our desire for deeper community 

8) getting to the point in my life here in cleveland where i can start to exercise leadership, esp with #9

7) 'the chronicles of case & God' -- starting off the day with morning prayer with S and expecting great things

6) inexplicably waking up at 7:30AM every day

5) a refreshing and laughy time with ms. jan-jan-jang today in our 1-on-1

4) grace feeding me (oops - it was also alex, hongus, and jess?) -- complete with fried rice, stew, and ice cream twix

3) celebration corndogs. delicious. 

2) sara's AIV update; will follow up with a blog post on this soon

1) intervarsity colleagues

hmm, as S has written, it has been a really good few days. i think God is doing some really, really good stuff in both our lives (personally) and ministry-wise, so i'm excited. greater freedom and openness, please. 

10 things i'm thankful for at this very moment

10) it was warm today -- 57 degrees!

9) my bus was on time

8) and for some reason, it smelled like steak outside

7) a full office hours. people came!

6) "I AM the generalissimo!" / "...I don't know what that means!" -- a revelation

5) a phone call from LF

4) stephanie pulling a long con. (she likes to jump out and scare me in the apt.) she faked being asleep for a good 5 minutes and then jumped out at me when i got out of the bathroom. good scare, my friend, good scare.

3) a new south side small group

2) a warm day to look forward to tomorrow!

1) "mama mia! that hymn is a spicy meetah-boll." andy kim's worship blog post.

hymn

hymns are so rich. i love them because they tell narrative's of God's redemptive plan & saving grace. they are also less centered on the individual, and more on the community. i like this one -- as we go forward, we have confidence in our shield & defender. i also like it because it mentions that we are 'victors' --and that strikes my inner wolverine just a little bit. :)

"We rest on Thee"--our Shield and our Defender! 
We go not forth alone against the foe;
Strong in Thy strength, safe in Thy keeping tender,
"We rest on Thee" and in Thy Name we go."

"We go" in faith, our own great weakness feeling,
And needing more each day Thy grace to know:
Yet from our hearts a song of triumph pealing;
"We rest on Thee, and in Thy name we go."

"We rest on Thee"--our Shield and our Defender!
Thine is the battle, Thine shall be the praise
When passing through the gates of pearly splendor
Victors we rest with Thee, through endless days.

10 things i'm thankful for at this very moment

10) citron tea to sooth my throat

9) pho at superior pho with friends (practicing interdependence - i'll eat your noodles if you drink my broth)

8) tofu - i could eat it for the rest of my life  

7) aloe (drink) 

6) sabbath (tomorrow) - need to rest so bad (i keep waking up at 7:30am every day for no reason)

5) God coming through with g re: his family

4) cd mixes / mix tapes - even though i have to play them on my discman from 1997 in order to listen to them in my car

3) e-mail communication

2) hearing funny stories from people about themselves

1) john legend's music -- he is so smoooooth.

10 things i'm thankful for at this very moment

10) second chances

9) mc's testimony last night at lg

8) stephanie's exposition of exodus 16 

7) the koinonia leadership info meeting last night -- evidence of fruit 

6) growing friendships with jk and tg

5) 47 degree balmy winter weather

4) openness to share about commitments and struggles

3) the koinonia class of 2009

2) the koinonia class of 2010

1) the other koinonians... including the class of 2013 (ca-razy)

note

"But Joseph said to them,

'Do not be afraid, for am I in God's place? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive....'"

Gen 50:19-20

10 things that i'm thankful for at this very moment

10) pastors. seriously, i love getting pastored -- it's so restorative to receive as a staff member.

9) p. bob, and his commitment to people

8) p. park and his apparent kindness / gentleness, as well as his love for IV (at seoul university)

7) getting extensions for overdue drafts

6) my roommate having fun with her new hair :)

5) so many mentors coming into my life -- anna, k. khang, p. bob

4) hot pot w/ kim chi base, and 4 taiwanese friends to eat it with

3) montages of little kids getting hit by big balls

2) this "25 random things" phenom that's going around facebook

1) an excellent, spirit-filled retreat this past weekend

addendum to last post

i agree with my friend m.stauffer in this post. 

i've stopped sharing personally on my blog(s) for some time now, but i currently feel the need to organize my thoughts and put this out there. in my mind, i usually have a blog post queue of things i've been thinking about for a while, and i think i just really need to clear this out of my head. here goes.

i woke up this morning feeling restless, unfocused, and distracted. i usually rest pretty hard after staffing retreats and conferences, but because of a combination of procrastination, busyness, and bad planning, i had to get back to work to finish a few things for a track revision that's due today. even though i hate turning in things late (sigh, and yet, i had such a bad track record with this in college), i'm going to e-mail our team leader and let him know that i would really just like an extra day to work and to spend this day resting.  

anyway, after waking up i tried checking my e-mail, but my outlook wasn't working, so i decided to take a walk. my walk turned into an hour-long tromp through a nearby metropark -- i still felt pretty unfocused, but was trying to have some time to pray and think. i returned home, packed up my things, and started my drive out to a coffeeshop near legacy village. as i started driving, i found myself not wanting to stop, desiring to continue being alone with my thoughts. this actually happened yesterday too, when i drove to the west side of cleveland to the tremont area. i got on carnegie and just kept driving. today, i was on fairmount heading east, and i just kept going and going out past the lyndhurst area, mayfield, and chesterland. i think i ended up at about 25 miles east of cleveland before deciding to turn around. while i was driving, i found myself being frustrated at 2 things in particular, which i'm not sharing online. you can definitely ask me about them in person. they're personal -- but as an fyi, it's not about any one person/group of people, and it's not about any particular conflict... just two frustrations that are currently playing out in my life.

i realized that i was feeling some of the same feelings that i had when i was coming back from ann arbor this past january. it's this weird, gneading feeling in my chest -- the type of feeling that you would feel if you were watching a sad movie. that, or the feeling that you get when you really overwhelmed with love for something/one. i've been trying to decipher for the past two weeks why i'm reacting this way.

my first year in cleveland, i had this weird tension of missing ann arbor intensely while also desiring to distance myself emotionally. i definitely enjoyed going back for staff training and seeing old friends, but i was pretty confident that God was calling/leading me to stay in cleveland. 

this year has been really weird. the two times that i've gone to ann arbor for staff training, it's been really freaking hard to leave (physically). for october, i had been having a difficult month, so i decided during the last hour of training to stay for the next four days in ann arbor/detroit are for a silent retreat, prayer, and time with the Lord. so i cancelled the few meetings that i had and stayed with the ever-gracious costello family in downtown detroit close to wayne state.  it was really wonderful - i bought my first moleskine, spent the days walking around detroit going to the library and museum (not realizing that the museum wasn't free.. oops), and spending the evenings eating delicious homecooked meals with amy's parents in their beautiful, renovated 115 year old home. haha. that was october.

two weeks ago, i returned for staff training, but again, was planning to return right after the training ended & after meeting with one of my pastors from my church in ann arbor. again - great time of being with other staff, had a pretty healing experience sharing my testimony about my ethnic journey, and enjoyed driving around in kerrytown to find zingerman's for my meeting. p. bob is the current university & missions pastor at knox pres, an EPC church that i attended for 3 years. we hadn't met to talk for a year and half, so it was great to finally catch an hour with him. i can't really express how refreshing it felt to have fellowship again with someone who had a pretty significant impact on my walk with and understanding of God (through adult ce classes at knox, chatting over coffee about more personal spiritual things, co-teaching with t. trevethan on campus about theology/doctrine, etc.)  temperamentally, we also have similar traits -- high intuitive, medium introversion. plus, i think it's always nice to talk with someone where you don't necessarily have to always explain yourself, and where you share a level of shared assumption/worldview. our conversation was basically like.. missions! yay. the university. yay. cities, yay. feeling tired but excited over minitry... yeah. dealing with the issues in ministry to asian americans is sad, hard, but needed... agreement. his tri-monthly travels to istanbul, turkey? awesome. i also appreciate how naturally he talks about the Lord in his life. it's just woven into the fabric of his life. so natural. 

then of course, we talked about the painful things... memories and experiences that i've basically left behind in ann arbor. i agreed with him -- we definitely should have talked about it back then. since coming on staff, i haven't cried in front of rick or anna, my supervisors / mentors. actually, i don't think i ever cried in front of jeff & lisa (my staff workers). but, for some reason, i was just overwhelmed that i had to work hard to hold it back. i had to take a deep breath.... i find crying to be an embarrassing thing, but i think was ok because i felt there was a shared sadness there. anyway, our meeting was really healing and joyful for 3 reasons: 1) he was exhorting me to remember the Gospel, and to desire to see it lived out in this particular area of pain.  2) he encouraged me to jump in, get my hands dirty, and be boldly speaking truth in the current ministry that the Lord has given to me. he has been instrumental in this very way (getting his hands dirty) by dealing with a lot of sin and mess with my college fellowship through offering his discipleship. this is the 2nd person to have told me to get my hands dirty, which i'm finding to be such a necessary risk in ministry. and 3) he encouraged me to have fun with it -- to have joy in this season of my life, and to pretty much feel free. ahh. i won't take those 3 things lightly. 

after our meeting, i started driving back to cleveland, and i pretty much cried on the way home to cleveland. the way home from ann arbor to the toledo area should have only taken 45 minutes, but it took me 6 hours. it was actually good to be alone for 6 hours, basically grieving over the fact that i won't be in ann arbor for a very long time. also mixed in with grief was a strong sense of joy; i'm not sure how that works out, but i'm pretty sure that's what it was.  i was missing my life in ann arbor -- not necessarily the university itself, and not even the place as a whole, even the people. i don't easily become sentimental over these things. but, i was sort of dealing with the concept that i was leaving a spiritually significant place. i knew i would probably never staff in michigan, or even live there again, but was wrestling with that fact that heading east to cleveland was definitely the right direction. i continued to be delayed as the roads iced over, and i ended up pulling over to stop overnight at a hotel near fremont OH. i actually have a funny story about getting to the hotel, and the hotel itself was sorta creepy... but that's for another day.

and agh - i still get frustrated thinking about how the drive back was just so long, tortuous, and painful. i was literally inching back to cleveland... at one point, i had moved 0.5 miles in 2 hours. it was like this completely ironic, sadly symbolic depiction of me having to leave ann arbor. i think the Lord was definitely using that time though -- he redeemed it for me two weeks ago as well as the last time i left in october. so from all of this, i've come to two conclusions: 1) i have unfinished business that i need to take care of, and will continue to talk with p. bob about this. 2) i feel strongly that i need to be in cleveland, and that this is in God's redemptive plan in my life.  not to get all spiritual or anything, but through this all i was reminded of how exciting life is when life is lived for the kingdom. i think i had been losing sight of that.

so blagh. there it all is, and i'm feeling a little better.  the 2 frustrations are still hanging over my head a little, but i think organizing my thoughts here has been helpful. i'm pretty sure of my next steps too. (rick would be proud... he indirectly taught me how to make good, practical next steps.) i just wanted to end by saying that i'm really excited about the work God is doing in the people around me (koinonia, my community & roommate :D ), and i'm hopeful that He has something crazy good for me in my own life. 

i'm still not done with all these thoughts yet - still feel restless, and hungry and tired, but not really hungry and tired enough to eat or sleep a lot, which is really, really weird and unusual.  however, i'm definitely done with posting for now.